Thank you to everyone who read my last journal entry and tried to help me feel better.
Everything has been worked out now. We made up, talked things out, he brought me some flowers in a smiley face mug, and we munched on pineapple stuffed crust.
Really, I hardly ever write down my serious feelings anymore, and if I do I usually erase or throw them away out of embarrassment. I have been that way ever since I wrote about all my crushes in my diary in fifth grade and my mom read it. She mentioned something in it that I had only written in my diary and hadn't told anyone about. Gee, if you're going to read someone's diary, at least be sneaky about it. Really, my friend Elysha is the one who told me I just just write everything down, and it calmed me down for awhile at least.
I really surprised myself yesterday though. I have never felt so truely depressed as I did then. I have had my little bouts of sadness and frustration, but this time nothing could cheer me up.
I think since coming to college a lot of things have changed. I've been away from all my classmates I've been with since kindergarden. I don't really see my good friend very much at all, let alone anyone but the people I work with. My faith in my religion has been very shaky after so many things I've learned about Christianity's origins. That really bothers me that I have become that way. Without that, what's the point in this life, and what I am I supposed to expect after death? You've heard "Ignorance is bliss." Sometimes I can't help but think that's got to be true. Even though I'm about to graduate, I still am unsure of what I'm going to do. I'm really thinking about getting my masters just so I can have more time! I must be the most indecisive person I know, and have to flip a coin just to make a decision (hmm... heads I go to college, tails I abandon society and go live out in the woods amongst the wild animals). So in the middle of all this unstableness this relationship was stable. Every night I went to bed, I had someone there.
When I realized I might be alone, it was scary. I had pretty much been single until we got together when I was 21. I have had a few boyfriends growing up, but none I got very close to. I was so hyper-self conscious that I would break up with them first so they wouldn't break up with me. The last realtionship I had was I think ninth grade with the pastor's son. I recall he had a strange habit of scratching off my fingernail polish in the back pew during church. Maybe that was his way of being dangerous. I got to experience a lot of wild, fingernail polish peeling days in that back pew. 'sigh.' especially remember that first special kiss i got outside the church, right on the teeth... i lived on the wild side back then.
Anyway, I tried to be a little more mature and not to break up with him before he broke up with me . So I spent all my time trying to think of how to fix this. I realized that I was being very stubborn about certain things, not letting go no matter what happened and this was contributing to his problem which was contributing to my problem with his problem which was giving us problems . I decided to sacrifice something that is important to me. I want it all, and I always think that if I just work on it or do something a little differentely I can have it all. Sometimes, however, you just can't have exactly what you want and you have to compromise. It was and extremely hard compromise, but our relationship is more important to me hopefully this has permanentely made things better. He has made sacrifices in the past and it is only fair.
Ok, well it's time for me to eat my dinner. Hmmm... should I eat some stuffed-crust pizza or some stuffed-crust pizza... I guess I better go find a coin.

ps. I just realized that if you say embarrass outloud, it has the words "bare ass." tee hee hee.
ps times 2. they need a spell check on here...
ps times 3. for some reason I can't ever change my mood emoticon from grumpy. it will never load for me. I'm not really grumpy